For me, there was only one thing more painful than this.
Embrace the Angel… Deny the Devil
How an Angel Taught Me to Thrive in This War Between Good and Evil
As I heard my own voice, I was shocked. I could not believe the words that came out of my mouth! At that moment, I knew I had to speak up… speak out for the millions of people around the world who are silently suffering and dying… to come out from under the Gray Rock and live in The Light, especially now, before the election.
On the phone with Susan, I did my best to explain the hell I was living. “Patti, you’ve already experience the worst thing any parent could: You watched your daughter get eaten alive by cancer and die!” “No, Susan. This is much worse! Amber’s death had meaning, purpose, and power. This was useless… needless… undeserved.”
I can hear you now. “How can this be??? How can every parent’s worst nightmare pale in comparison to living with the daily torment of a malignant narcissist?” For me, this is true. Excruciating, but true.
I was born in “The City of Angels” at the Queen of Angels Hospital. I gave birth to Amber, an Angel, on February 28, 1976. She came to Earth to teach me about “living in The Light,” what happens when we die, how to find purpose and meaning in life’s heartbreaks, and how to transform pain into power. She died on my 27th birthday, October 30, 1980.
It was deeply painful. I was a single mom and Amber was my world. It was also miraculous and powerful. For forty years, her message of “Hope, Heaven, and the Miracle of Life and Death” has helped many people around the world. Her book, “Embrace the Angel,” along with the silk scarves, ties, and pillows covered with Angels we donate to the bereaved and dying through Tobias & Co’s “Giving Back Division,” have elevated those who need it most. Her little “Pebbles” I pass out (Guardian Angel coins) have sent loving ripples through the lives of all who receive them.
Amber was, she is my Teacher, my Soul Sage. She gave me the gift of knowing my Life Purpose: Give with an open, loving heart to myself and others. Live in The Light, not the darkness. Embrace the Angel in other Humans. Deny the devil.
Make no mistake. We are witnessing… we are living our lives in the greatest, most profound war in the history of mankind: Light vs. Dark… Good vs. Bad… Right vs. Wrong… The Source vs. Soul Suckers… God vs. Satan. Beneath the “cloak” of Human Beings dwells an Angel or the devil.
As Humans, we are all flawed, faulty, fallible. This is normal and natural. It’s one of the characteristics that define us. The key is to take responsibility for our actions and how it affects others; to treat others with kindness, respect, and caring; to make amends when we hurt someone; to leave this Earth a better place.
Unfortunately, the narcissist chooses a different way of living. They slash and burn their way through Life, leaving a path of pain, destruction, and sometimes, death. They are incapable of loving, even of loving themselves.
I was married to a malignant narcissist (My definition: They kill people with clean hands and live by two words: “plausible deniability”) for nearly twenty years. I barely escaped with my life. He lived a lie and wore a mask from the very beginning. And I believed him. I gave my trust to someone who is not worthy. He deceived me.
He was also one of my best teachers. I learned — not by his words but by his actions — that there are evil people in this world that choose to hurt, torment, and take delight in the pain of others.
Yes. Satan is real. He lives among us.
I also know that Angels dwell inside most of us. Not all.
We enter this world as Angels… as good, innocent, highly developed spirits that are as close to The Source as it’s possible to be during our time here on Earth. Somewhere along the line, those spirits are twisted, tainted, and taught to use and abuse others to build up their own sick and sad egos… to fill the hole of shame and fear that can never be filled.
The Light that radiates from the Angel inside us is so bright… so powerful and good, that they need to shout… to scream… to shut us down, use others to hurt us, instill and feed our fears, align with what has become culturally acceptable, especially by our president. They ridicule, berate, undermine, abuse, and keep their victims captive using fear as their weapon of choice; money as their only currency. For them, true intimacy is impossible. People are used as transactions, not loved.
This is a “narcissist,” a label — like many others — that describes a pattern of behavior, a role we play.
My X is one of those. So is Donald Trump.
This election is not about the man running for president. It is about the character of the person wearing the Human Being cloak. Ask yourself, “Does their behavior — not words — speak the truth, empower others by elevating and educating? Do they reach out to unite… to connect? Do they display a high regard for every Human Being, no matter what color or race their cloak is?”
I am here to shed light on these insidious killers… to educate those who are confused by the term “narcissist…” to empower those who are here on Earth to serve and elevate humanity. There are many people who align with me in this mission. I believe Amber — The Light — can connect us. Darkness cannot survive The Light.
For the last few years, I’ve studied narcissism — who they are, how they came to be, what their behavioral patterns are, the words they use, what they want. In this three part article, I will…
- Part One: Explain who I am, what I believe to be true, and why I am speaking out.
- Part Two: Give you the tools, resources, and rituals that have helped me to heal and learn, understand, and reclaim my life.
- Part Three: Share my journey from hell to hope to finding a life of freedom and gratitude as I travel the US in my “tiny home on wheels,” Angelina!
I am a Human simply being, a single woman, a mother, a Student of Life, an artist, writer, photographer, entrepreneur, adventurer, friend. I’m in the midst of healing… of rediscovering myself and nurturing my childlike sense of wonder, curiosity, and contentment. I’ve worked as a dishwasher, waitress, factory worker, sales person, teacher, glass blower, bookkeeper, house cleaner, executive assistant, laborer, carpenter, school bus driver, graphic designer, boat builder, woodworker, professional organizer, author, silk painter, public speaker, life coach, and end-of-life doula.
I believe that each of us is brought into this world to complete a Life Task. (Mine is to share Amber’s message and elevate others.) If we do not complete it, we come back to Earth wearing another cloak to learn the Life Lessons… to gain the skills and tools we need to complete it. This is the last life I need to live. After I shed my cloak, I will once again, merge with The Light.
When we come through our mothers, we are connected to the Other Side by a Golden Thread. Once the umbilical cord is cut, we spend our lives trying to reconnect… to return to the womb, the place of Bliss. Some people feel that connection by loving; some by using power and control over others.
We need to know and understand both groups of people, align with those who connect through love and deny those who don’t. As Glennon Doyle says in her book, “Untamed,” we need to “let down our drawbridge” to those who bring us love, kindness, understanding, and acceptance without judgement. Those who come to us with ill intent — whether covert or overt — will not be allowed to cross.
Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing on the other side of the moat, waiting. Who will you lower your drawbridge for? Looking beneath the Human Being cloak, who do you want to allow into your life or the lives of those you love? Who will best serve you and the world?
Knowing it took sixty-three years, various counselors, psychologists, and three marriages to figure out what was going on, I knew I had to share what I learned. Two books finally opened my eyes: “Why Does He Do That?” and “Controlling People.” There have been many resources I’ve discovered since then. (See Part Two)
The last four years of this president have highlighted and triggered the hell I’ve lived… the torment of a malignant narcissist. It is time to end this torment, once and for all. It is time to call them out and deny them entry into our lives unless they change. (Rarely happens, but possible.)
I am writing with the hope that you can take my experience and knowledge gained to save yourself if you are in a relationship with a narcissist. Or, if you are not, you can learn the signs, signals, and predictable behaviors (yes, there is a “playbook”) and run — don’t walk — the other way!
If my story enlightens or saves even one life or gives someone pause for thought or another perspective, digging deep and being brave; coming out from under the Gray Rock; being vulnerable and open; “standing naked before the world” is worth the risk.
I am still rebuilding my confidence that was stolen from me. I keep reminding myself of who I am daily. When I met my X, I was at the pinnacle of Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs.” I was self-actualized. Twenty years later, I found myself at the bottom of the pyramid wondering if I could even breathe, eat, or live without him. I am.
Writing to serve is healing my heart, nurturing my soul, and restoring my spirit. It feels like I am laying on a beach in the sun, looking out over turquoise water that beckons me. My fear and anxiety is lessened. I treat myself with tenderness and grace. Peace and Serenity surround me, along with my Circle of Angels — people who love me deeply and dearly, support my Life Task, and believe in living a good Life.
As Brene Brown says, “The dark does not destroy The Light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.” Do not be afraid. We will shed light on the darkness by joining forces, taking comfort in that connection, and learning how to truly live together.
